I’ll believe a corporation is a person when…


It’s that time of year again!

January 21 is the 4th Anniversary of the (in)famous Citizens United vs Federal Elections Commission Supreme Court 5-4 decision, which extended never-intended first amendment “free speech” rights (meant by the nation’s founders to apply to human beings alone) to corporations.

This expansion of corporate “free speech” resulted in a historic flood of additional political money in the 2010 and 2012 elections — largely taking the form of attack ads against candidates. The money effectively drowned out the voices of the 99+% of the public without money to donate/invest in politics.

The Supremes claiming that a bunch of legal documents sanctioned by a state or federal government via a charter (or license) equals a “person” with inalienable constitutional “rights” is nothing short of bizarre or unbelievable to any rational person.

Below is, thus, a list of (tongue firmly in cheek) conditions when, in fact, corporations might actually BE considered a “person.”

You are invited to add to the list. Be creative. And why not! The Supreme Court is an incredibly imaginative bunch to continue to profess that artificial legal creations of government possess many of the same identical inalienable constitutional rights as we do!

“I’ll believe a corporation is a person when…

… Arizona deports one
… Texas executes one
… Massachusetts marries two of them
… The US government issues one a Social Security number
… one gets a STD after jumping in bed with an elected representative
… one returns from the Mideast with PTSD
… the CIA extradites one to Guantanamo
… one sacrifices its life in military service
… one is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize
… one is baptized
… one dies from hunger or sickness
… one falls in love
… one is awed by beauty
… one is humbled by things it does not know
… it is NOT too big to JAIL
… one values the life and well being of any one individual before it’s own existence
… The Ohio State University graduates one
… Ohio denies two same sex marriage (and divorce) rights
… one can’t find a job
… one is elected president or dies in childbirth.
… one is put in prison (which would most likely be for defrauding its investors)
… one dies and is buried in a cemetery
… it grows a heart
… it develops a conscience
… one stays up all night with a sick baby, a troubled teen, or a dying parent
… one worries about the meaning of life
… one is capable of empathy
… one has an ultrasound detected heartbeat
… when its conception occurs in utero
… one is actually held responsible for its actions
… one adopts any of those babies delivered from the women who were denied access to a legal abortion
…. they have to register for the draft
… when one gets pregnant, gives birth and breastfeeds the newborn.
… our budget is balanced
… the created is equal to the creator
… one gives up their personhood to save another person
… they pay their fair share of taxes
… disco music is finally eradicated from the face of the earth
… Lucy lets Charlie Brown kick the football
… a winter storm warning is posted for hell
… Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. return to Earth and declare corporations are people.
… one teaches a child
… they all start laughing out loud at these remarks
… it shows me its birth certificate
‎… it grows an opposable thumb.
… when gepetto makes it a real boy
… they are able to reproduce sexually
… one endorses Ron Paul for President.”
And finally…
“I will never believe a corporation is a person.”


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